Ron Swanson Quotes and Saying Funniest

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Parks and Recreation may have ended in 2015, but the wisdom of Ron Swanson (Nick Offerman) and his obsession with meat, whiskey, and woodworking are eternal. So if you’re looking for Ron Swanson quotes, we have made a list.

Ron Swanson Quotes

“Dear frozen yogurt, you are the celery of desserts. Be ice cream, or be nothing.” – Ron Swanson

Best Ron Swanson Quotes 1.

“Sting like a bee, but do not float like a butterfly. That’s ridiculous.” – Ron Swanson

Best Ron Swanson Quotes 2.

“You’ve accidentally given me the food that my food eats.” – Ron Swanson

Best Ron Swanson Quotes 4.

  • “Barbecues should be about one thing: good shared meat.” – Ron Swanson
  • “There’s only one thing I hate more than lying: skim milk. Which is water that’s lying about being milk.” – Ron Swanson
  • “The less I know about other people’s affairs, the happier I am. I’m not interested in caring about people. I once worked with a guy for three years and never learned his name. Best friend I ever had. We still never talk sometimes.” – Ron Swanson
  • “Just give me all the bacon and eggs you have. Wait … I worry what you heard was, ‘Give me a lot of bacon and eggs.’ What I said was, give me all the bacon and eggs you have. Do you understand?” – Ron Swanson
  • “I’ve cried twice in my life. Once when I was 7 and hit by a school bus. And then again when I heard that Li’l Sebastian had passed.” – Ron Swanson
  • “I call this turf ‘n’ turf. It’s a 16-ounce T-bone and a 24-ounce porterhouse. Also, whiskey and a cigar. I am going to consume all of this at the same time because I am a free American.” – Ron Swanson
  • “When people get too chummy with me, I like to call them by the wrong name to let them know I don’t really care about them.” – Ron Swanson
  • “If there were more food and fewer people, this would be a perfect party.” – Ron Swanson
  • “That is a canvas sheet, the most versatile object known to man. It can be used to make tents, backpacks, shoes, stretchers, sails, tarpaulins, and I suppose, in the most dire of circumstances, it can be a surface on which to make art.” – Ron Swanson
  • “I’d wish you the best of luck but I believe luck is a concept created by the weak to explain their failures.” – Ron Swanson
  • “There are three acceptable haircuts: high and tight, crew cut, buzz cut.” – Ron Swanson

“Put some alcohol in your mouth to block with words from coming out.” – Ron Swanson

Best Ron Swanson Quotes 5.

  • “I prefer quality over flash — that’s why I refuse to write my signature in cursive.” – Ron Swanson
  • “Under my tutelage, you will grow from boys to men. From men into gladiators. And from gladiators into Swansons.” – Ron Swanson
  • “On my deathbed, my final wish is to have my ex-wives rush to my side so I can use my dying breath to tell them both to go to hell one last time.” – Ron Swanson
  • “Normally, if given the choice between doing something and nothing, I’d choose to do nothing. But I will do something if it helps someone else do nothing. I’d work all night, if it meant nothing got done.” – Ron Swanson
  • “When I walked in this morning and saw that the flag was half-mast, I thought ‘All right, another bureaucrat ate it!’” – Ron Swanson
  • “I like Tom. He doesn’t do a lot of work around here. He shows zero initiative. He’s not a team player. He’s never wanted to go that extra mile. Tom is exactly what I’m looking for in a government employee.” – Ron Swanson
  • “The whole point of this country is if you want to eat garbage, balloon up to 600 pounds and die of a heart attack at 43, you can! You are free to do so. To me, that’s beautiful.” – Ron Swanson
  • “Great job, everyone. The reception will be held in each of our individual houses, alone.” – Ron Swanson
  • “Literally everything is a weapon, son. That folder, in my hands, is far deadlier than this bow of yours.” – Ron Swanson
  • “I would rather bleed out than sit here and talk about my feelings for 10 minutes.” – Ron Swanson

“America: The only country that matters. If you want to experience other ‘cultures,’ use an atlas or a ham radio.” – Ron Swanson


Best Ron Swanson Quotes 3.

  • “Give 100 percent. One-hundred-and-ten percent is impossible. Only idiots recommend that.” – Ron Swanson
  • “My first ex-wife’s name is Tammy. My second ex-wife’s name is Tammy. My Mom’s name is Tamara … she goes by Tammy.” – Ron Swanson
  • “The government is a greedy piglet that suckles on a taxpayer’s teat until they have sore, chapped nipples.” – Ron Swanson
  • “I love being a father but there are a few things I miss: Silence. The absence of noise. One single moment undisturbed by the sounds of a children’s program called Doc McStuffins.” – Ron Swanson
  • “It’s pointless for a human to paint scenes of nature when they can go outside and stand in it.” – Ron Swanson
  • “An ideal night out, to me, is stepping onto my porch area and grilling up a thick slab of something’s flesh and then popping in a highlight reel from the WNBA.” – Ron Swanson
  • “It’s always a good idea to demonstrate to your coworkers that you are capable of withstanding a tremendous amount of pain.” – Ron Swanson
  • “One rage every three months is permitted. Try not to hurt anyone who doesn’t deserve it.” – Ron Swanson
  • “The key to burning an ex-wife effigy is to dip it in paraffin wax and then toss the flaming bottle of isopropyl alcohol from a safe distance. Do not stand too close when you light an ex-wife effigy.” – Ron Swanson
  • “I don’t want to paint with a broad brush here, but every single contractor in the world is a miserable, incompetent thief.” – Ron Swanson

Funny Short Saying

“When I eat, it is the food that is scared.” – Ron Swanson

Funny Ron Swanson Short Quotes.

“Don’t start chasing applause and acclaim. That way lies madness.” – Ron Swanson

Funny Ron Swanson saying.

  • “I’m a simple man. I like pretty, dark-haired women and breakfast food.” – Ron Swanson
  • “Clear alcohols are for rich women on diets.” – Ron Swanson
  • “Crying: Acceptable at funerals and the Grand Canyon.” – Ron Swanson
  • “There is only one bad word: taxes.” – Ron Swanson
  • “Never half-ass two things. Whole-ass one thing.” – Ron Swanson
  • “Keep your tears in your eyes—where they belong.” – Ron Swanson
  • “You had me at ‘Meat Tornado.’” – Ron Swanson
  • “Friends: one to three is sufficient.” – Ron Swanson
  • “Fishing is for sport only. Fish meat is practically a vegetable.” – Ron Swanson
  • “I’ll take that steak to go. Please and thank you.” – Ron Swanson
  • “People are idiots, Leslie.” – Ron Swanson
  • “Any dog under 50 pounds is a cat, and cats are useless.” – Ron Swanson “I regret nothing. The end.”
  • “Live your life how you want, but don’t confuse drama with happiness.” – Ron Swanson
  • “Fishing relaxes me. It’s like yoga, except I still get to kill something.” – Ron Swanson

And with this, we come to an end of the Ron Swanson Quotes collection. It was so amazing to have you till here. It implies that you loved the collection.

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